Today is Mother’s Day. It’s a day that I’ve been dreading on the calendar since January 12th of this year. My fiance, the man that I cannot wait to walk down the aisle towards in just four months, lost his mom that day. And having lost a parent, I knew there were going to be days where he would feel her absence more than others and Mother’s Day immediately jumped out to me as the first one.
I Loved Their Love
My fiance and his mom were close by any standards. It was one of the things that made me want to ask my cute co-worker out on a date and it was one of the things that made me fall in love with him. He would come home from college at least one weekend a month to mow the grass at her house and help her take care of the yard. When he was out of college and living in the same city as his mom, they would have lunch together once a week. And later, when she moved out of state, they would talk almost every day. She was the one person in his family he told when he knew he wanted to propose to me.
They had a wonderful relationship and for that, I’m glad. Losing a parent is never okay but I’m glad that, if nothing else, he has so many good memories to hold onto of his mother.
Holding Onto the Memories
But that’s all he gets now. Memories. Mother’s Day marks the first of many days where we want to celebrate something and we have to do it in her absence. Our wedding day will be beautiful because we love each other and know that we’re making a lifelong commitment to one another.
But it won’t be perfect because she won’t be there to see her youngest son get married. Birthdays, Christmases, all done without her, forever. And grandchildren. We have said over and over since the day she passed how glad we were that she got to meet my children at least once. That she got to know them just a little bit through pictures and phone calls and Facebook. But if we decide to have a child together, I know her absence will be felt as strongly as the day we lost her.
My fiance is my support, the one person that was finally able to hold me up when I needed. He is all things strong and comforting and rational to me when I need him. My biggest fear through all of this has been that I will fail him in some way, followed up by the awful feeling that I’m making him losing his mom about me. But my father used to tell me sometimes that failure was not an option. I think I was 23 before I figured out that he was quoting a movie but the idea stands here; failing him in this is not an option for me.
So on this Mother’s Day I will stand beside him. I will try to be whatever he needs me to be. A safe place to land and share his feelings or a silent steady partner that gives him his space. But I will keep trying and because of that I will not fail.