By Trish Harden, Cheryl Malik, and the NoFilter Contributors Team.
Hey hubby/kids/individual I mentored like my own damn child, are you procrastinating on the purchase of your Mother’s Day gifts? Surely, I taught you better than that, didn’t I? I always have things done well in advance and never… oh wait, I’m posting what I want for Mother’s Day literally two days before Mother’s Day. Touché, hubby/kids/individual I mentored like my own damn child.
So, let’s not waste anybody’s time here. We don’t want chocolate or jewelry (I mean, maybe we want jewelry but like, how big is your Mother’s Day budget?). We don’t really want flowers (They’re nice for like, three days), and we definitely don’t want fruit that looks like flowers because, I mean, don’t you know us well enough by now? We don’t have space in the fridge to watch that fruit slowly melt into rotten juice anyway, and you know that. Our Bota Boxes of Sauvignon Blanc takes fridge-priority.
So here’s an inconclusive list of things we want for Mother’s Day that are not chocolate, flowers or jewelry:
1. Put money on my Starbucks card. The more the merrier I am.
I’m like, so happy right now.
2. Put money on my wine card.
I’m pretty sure that’s just a twenty in an envelope marked “for liquor store,” which is also fine by me.
3. Things that create realistic expectations on your end.
No “World’s Best” stuff, but I’m fine with “World’s OK-est mom.”
4. Any of the things that I have not so subtly hinted at wanting. Trust me, I have told you.
Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
5. Load me up an Amazon card.
We’re about to buy some shit we don’t need, y’all.
6. Watch the kids for several hours while I go out with my other mom friends.
We might get drunk. Spring for an Uber.
7. Guilt free time by myself, if that exists.
8. Dinner that I didn’t cook or plan.
You realize that’s you in this scenario? ^ OK, glad that we’re clear.
I know you can do wine. Have you not memorized my varietals yet? I like “cheap” and “plenty”.
10. A housekeeper. A really good housekeeper who does baseboards without me asking.
Tight white pants optional but encouraged.
11. For the cat to stop peeing on random things in the house.
NO GIF YOU’RE WELCOME
12. A trampoline.
I’m jealous of the one the kids got for Christmas and I want one for me.
13. The Walking Dead to stop sucking.
14. Wine. Wine. And more wine.
She loves her wine and she loves her children, so… we’re kind of Team Cersei on this one.
15. For someone other than me to wash, dry and put away every dirty dish in my kitchen, then wash dry and put away every dish they use to cook me dinner.
Bonus points for not breaking a SINGLE ONE.
16. Same idea with the laundry.
17. Beer. The good kind. None of that Natty Light shit.
Important caveat: I am not expected to look like this ^
18. One full night of sleep.
I might never wake up.
I AM SO TIRED
20. Pack the kids up for a picnic and play session at the park.
I will stay home and read in the bathtub. Or nap. In peace. Um, did I stutter bye.
21. Wine, vacation in Scotland, a husband. Not too picky!
22. The promise that every time the garbage is taken out, the liners will be replaced.
WHO DOES THAT
23. A manicure and a pedicure.
because I have the feet of a cave troll right now and flip flop season is here. Throw in plenty for a tip, because… those poor, poor people.
24. Plan a romantic night at home.
It should involve you making the kids exactly what they want to eat for dinner and then putting them to bed while I sit on the couch and play Disney Emoji Blitz on my phone. Dream night ^
25. Wine. Or vodka. Preferably both.
Pinterest ladies, we’re gonna need you to get to work on that wine-vodka cocktail we’ve been talking about… like yesterday. It’s like you’re not even trying!
26. Not to change a single diaper, wipe a single butt, clean pee off of any surface, or have to lower any toilet seats.
1, 2, 3 NOT IT
27. The love of my heathens, ehem, children and maybe some poorly made card.
No glitter though. Glitter is only for people you hate. You will die with it still in your part.
28. OK…. I do actually want chocolate, too. And I don’t want to share it.
That’s not so much to ask… right?
Happy Mother’s Day from all of us at NoFilter!