When I peeled off the tops of these two shoeboxes, I literally gasped with delight.
A few days before, I’d felt like I was adulting well enough to need a pair of loafers. But since I wasn’t quite sure the feeling would repeat itself, I decided not to invest quite yet. The solution? Oh, you know what the solution is. It’s what the solution always is:
Touted as my 18-month-old son’s “favorite store” (though he can’t actually talk very well yet and might actually prefer the cake pops I hand him the moment his diapered bottom touches that smooth, red plastic shopping cart seat), I’m pretty sure that Target is always the answer and to everything.
Just burn the old ones; Nate Berkus just blessed us with a possibly culturally appropriated fringed line of decorative lumbar pillows.
Got an important client meeting tomorrow but it’s three days ’til payday? Target.
Family decided to drop in this weekend and you never finished the upstairs guest bathroom (We all know why: you can’t see it, so we can pretend it doesn’t exist. La la la la la.): Target.
Feeling empty inside? Target. Specifically, Target throw pillows. Just burn the old ones; Nate Berkus just blessed us with a possibly culturally appropriated fringed line of decorative lumbar pillows. Add a trendy philodendron in the corner, and you’re guaranteed* to immediately feel good as new.
So, needing to sate my grown-up needs for grown-up shoes (Read: not flip flops), I typed “t” into my iPhone browser bar and let my frequent browsing habits autofill me the rest of the way.
Behold, the nude loafer.
Because the last thing I remember reading about fashion was something about how Kate Middleton loves nude shoes and they make her legs look long. Then I had a kid and stopped caring, but I remember the nude shoes. In fact, I’m pretty sure all of my shoes are nude, besides my every-single-day-no-matter-the-occasion grey booties (because even I am pretty sure that nude would not look quite so good as a bootie).
And also… they look pretty dang expensive? But knowing easily how cheap shoes can fool you à la strategic Tinder profile pictures, I didn’t hold my breath. I did, however, graciously accept Target’s encouragement to buy matching nude d’Orsays after adding the loafers to my cart. Also $22.99, made of some suede-inspired material, and also appealingly expensive-looking, I couldn’t resist.
(It’s worth nothing that, upon my return to the listing, I convinced myself to buy the same d’Orsays in a bright poppy red, but you’ll understand better why in just a few verbose paragraphs.)
They look like they cost about $400, with their perfectly faux leather material, the seaming around the vamp, the heel tab.
I promptly forgot about my very adult (“adult” without the unmarked box, of course) purchase, until the UPS man provoked a shrieking fury from my tiny dog, and I literally ripped open with my fingernails the branded Target packing tape, peeled off the shoebox tops, and gasped.
I’d recently been distracted by an article on some site gushing about Angelina Jolie’s perfect travel loafers, but Angie must not have seen these bad boys. Why? They look like they cost about $400, with their perfectly faux leather material, the seaming around the vamp, the heel tab. The exteriors soft and supple without requiring months of around-the-house wearing to break a pair in, and they’re a perfectly peachy color that’s not too orange, not too pink. Not claiming you won’t earn a few blisters from these loafers, but nothing like a pair of Tory Burch Revas.
Basically, they’re the perfect work shoe. And they’re $23.
The d’Orsays were equally impressive, with their beautifully textured suede-like material and stiff heels. Like, I think, all d’Orsays, the heels run a bit high, and you do have to do some breaking in. But get over it, because these slip-ons will change your life (I’m pretty sure. Like, 82% sure.).
With an elegant line, not too rounded or girlish, they’re enough to offset that hot mess mom aura you’ve been toting, emanating from your week-old yoga tights like the smell of spit-up in your hair and… Oh, wait, that’s actually spit-up in your hair. That’s cool. We’ve all been there, mama. ✊
You should buy these. They’re $23? That’s less of a question of price and more of a question of why the hell not. I got both pairs for fifty bucks, and I look like I’m adulting hard. It’s a wonderful life hack, my friends. Now no one will suspect I forgot dress-like-Dr.-Seuss day at school last week.
*This is not guaranteed, nor is it likely. In fact, it is quite unlikely.