So You Want to Have a Large Family

So, you want to have a large family.

As I am currently baking my sixth spawn, I mean wonderful blessing, I feel that while I may not be an expert on all things Mom, I am a pretty good judge on what to expect when you’re expecting – yet again.

 

The Journey Begins

There are a few types of women when they start suspecting a pregnancy, especially when they already have several offspring. There are the ones who test as soon as they suspect that they might, maybe even possibly, be having another baby, and the ones who put off testing as long as they can, because, you know, ignorance is bliss.

Me, I fell on the “Oh God, just tell me so I can get the mental processing of this information done,” side of the spectrum. My husband falls to “I don’t see any reason to test until you’re over a week late.” We compromise by me testing the precise day my period is due.

Next, you have that first, immediate reaction to the positive test.

1. No, No, No

Some cry, but not a happy cry. We’re talking sitting on the floor eating cake and ice cream wailing “Why me, God?” cry.

 

 

2. Let Me Just Faint a Sec…

Some just faint from the sheer exhaustion at the idea of yet another baby.

 

 

3. Eh, It’s Cool.

Then, some are resigned to their life status of clown car and say “Whatevs.”

 

 

Most of us moms of large families just run through all of the phases while wishing for a drink. Then immediately have to go clean up some other child’s mess or break up a fight.

Getting to the Real Part

When we finally get around to telling our close friends, we have to stop and think about how we will answer that first inevitable question “Are you ok?”

There’s never really a good answer because many times you just don’t know. My main response to that is “overwhelmed” or “tired” or “like I’m God’s personal joke.” All that you really do know is that your BFF’s reaction is going to be nothing compared to making that announcement to the general public.

The most predictable response will be the question of “Don’t you know what causes that yet?” Spoiler alert, it isn’t falling asleep on the couch exhausted while trying to have some alone quiet time watching TV together. It’s sex. But you know that, and if you are like me you just smile while thinking…

Then will be the comments of “OMG, are you trying to go for your own reality show?” or “Are you Catholic or something?” or “Don’t you have hobbies?”

I do have hobbies. I knit. I don’t see how that prevents babies though. I guess I could try out knitting some condoms, but honestly, that sounds super scratchy and uncomfortable.

Another common favorite question of the masses is “But how do you even have time for that with so many kids already?”

When you have as many kids as us, you make the time for sex. Sex is important. Sex lets you blow off that kids-annoying-you frustration.

If people had wanted to talk this much about sex with me at sixteen I might not have gotten pregnant as a teen. (I kid, my parents were all over those conversations.)

Here is something that you don’t think about once your family reaches a certain size – you are going to need a new car. I know, I know, you already drive a minivan. But most minivans only sit seven. When we got pregnant with our newest baby, baby number six, it occurred to us that “We have to get a BIGGER van.” If you keep going past 5 kids and 2 parents, you have to progress on church vans. You will be THAT family. That weird family that never fits anywhere, that requires multiple hotel rooms and automatic gratuity added to checks when you all go out to eat.

But large families, they are pretty fun. They aren’t for everyone. Shoot, sometimes you end up with one and you’re still never ready for it. But, you adapt. Things might not always be clean and they’re never quiet. It is almost always super chaotic and smelly, but hey, it’s life and sometimes it’s even really good.

The most important thing to remember when it comes to large families is that we don’t want your opinion. Not about the number of kids. Not about the state of our house. Not about our sex life or contraceptive choices. We definitely don’t need or care to hear your jokes, because honestly? They aren’t that funny or that original and each time that you say one, we hate you a little more.