I Matter: Confronting the Ghosts That We Knew

Self care is my religion. I have no shame in admitting that. We all have our things that we rely on to fill us up spiritually and guide our moral compass. For me, it’s love of self, and by default, care of self.

At the crux of my belief system is a very simple two word mantra, “I matter.”

It’s been a lifelong journey to reach the place where I can not only say that, but truly believe it. The messages I’ve received throughout my lifetime from a variety of sources: friends, family members, bosses, classmates, boyfriends, husbands- those messages have oftentimes made me doubt my worth. To truly believe in love of self however, I can’t allow those unkind experiences and toxic relationships to be the loudest words in my head.

A consistent commitment to self-care tells all those unkind messages from ghosts of my life to buzz off, sit down, and shut the hell up.

Like the Mumford and Sons song, “The ghosts that we knew will flicker from view, and we’ll live a long life. And I will hold on as long as you like, just promise me we’ll be alright.”

I’m a divorced mom of two small children. I have three jobs. Self-care isn’t optional. My kids need a healthy, thriving mom. My clients, my students, my customers, they need me to be healthy too. It’s on me to maintain my health. It’s all about caring for myself. Otherwise, the whole damn thing is going to crumble around me.

So we’re clear here, self-care is NOT limited to pedicures and massages. Those things are lovely. But most of us have neither the time, nor the money, for those delightful luxuries. Self-care can be very subtle, very easy, and very cheap. No, really, it can.

Here are some ways I care for myself:

I like cookies. I don’t eat gluten. Picking up a box of gluten free cookies when I buy cookies for my kids is easy enough to do. Then, at 9:30 pm when they’re in bed and I get a sweet craving…I HAVE COOKIES HERE!!!! I matter!

The same goes for rainbow sherbet. I ate a few bites of that right out of the container last night, and I’m not even a little embarrassed to admit it. Because, I matter, and rainbow sherbet makes me happy.

I’ve introduced my kids to music we can all enjoy. Encouraging them to listen to Imagine Dragons, Paul Simon, Mumford & Sons, The Avvett Brothers, and other music I like means two things.

1. They’re learning about music. 2. I don’t have to listen to that bullshit Wheels on the Bus crap in my car. Making it to school on time is stressful enough without adding to the torture.

I schedule exercise; put it in my calendar. Some weeks I get several days of opportunity to work out. Some weeks I don’t. It’s ok. I’m doing my best with what I have.

I force my hiking partners to take pictures of me planking on trees and mountains and such.

I forgive myself. I forgive myself a lot. It’s human to screw up, and I’m exceptionally good at it. But, I matter. I like myself. And when we like someone, we forgive them.

I spend one evening a week with girlfriends and our families for dinner. We rotate houses. We eat leftovers. Our kids play together. There’s no pomp, no circumstance, just time spent laughing with people that matter.

I hike and take pictures of purple flowers.

I go camping whenever I can.

I say no to things that don’t serve me well.

I unapologetically maintain my boundaries. It keeps the ghost resting.

I put whatever I can in savings.

I leave dishes in my sink so I can go the hell to bed. Or, I wash them so they’ll be clean when I wake up. Because I matter.

I absorb as much live music as I can.

I don’t engage with other people’s bullshit. 

I wear an oil I love.

I snuggle my kids.

The essence of self-care is that we deserve a place on our own to-do lists. Ballet, baseball, homework, laundry, dinner, dry cleaning, gift buying, all of the chores of daily living will happen. All of those things matter too. That engine won’t run without fuel though. And there isn’t a delivery service to bring the fuel to you. You’re in charge of filling up your tank.  You matter, damn it. All of those chores, tasks, obligations-they don’t happen by magic. We know that. They happen because you’re a damn warrior.  

Even warriors need to rest.

It’s ok to say no.

It’s ok to take a nap.

It’s ok to drink the whole pot of coffee.

It’s ok to forgive yourself.

It’s ok, because you matter. I don’t care what the ghosts say.

If you are lucky enough to live in Memphis, TN, this month on October 17, 2017, Beth is offering a workshop through her company Apple Seeds, Inc. titled Self-Care for Busy Moms, find more details here. 

Beth Shelton

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Beth is a mom of two, therapist, professor, tie-dye enthusiast, storyteller, chicken keeper, and a lover of all things covered in dark chocolate. She can name all 7 dwarves. She has never read Harry Potter, and sincerely hopes you won't hold that against her. In this, her 40th year, she is giving new meaning to the idea of gifts to self.

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