Remember that time when you just knew you were going to have sex for the first time that night? You’d been on the appropriate amount of dates, you had a pretty decent idea of the type of person you were seeing, and you were ready to rock their world… and hopefully have yours rocked in return.
You spent an unthinkable amount of time preparing for that first horizontal hula. The perfect outfit. Matching bra and panty set (Of course, it’s intentional!).
You miss that sex that didn’t require an emotional and mental mind dump
You miss that sex that didn’t require an emotional and mental mind dump
The only interruption was when your music stopped, your roommate came in to borrow something you knew you’d never see again, or you picked up the phone to scour Pinterest for a new smoky eye tutorial. These little interruptions didn’t cut off the heat.
You were ready. You were anticipating the end of the night. You were on the prowl.
Well, we all know that the dreamy intoxication often wears off when kids enter the picture. A little bit ironic, since, yep, those adorable tiny humans you gifted the world with? They’re the product of your hot and heavy intimacy. And they end up being the biggest, tinies cockblockers ever!
Not to mention the other responsibilities that accompany adulthood: those all do a fine job of keeping your mind occupied, preventing savoring your sensuality.
But really, did we pay the water bill this month? ‘Cause, uh, you know I like water, honey… Oh sorry, I’ll move my leg…
With all these responsibilities, you’re on a very strict schedule. There’s that meeting you need to prepare for, the dance recitals, the soccer practices. You have to be home on this day from 12-8 for the cable guy. Book club in two weeks (You haven’t even ordered the title from Amazon – another thing to remember!). Yoga, grocery shopping, play dates, and doctors appointments.
Remember: you are absolutely breathtaking just the way you are.
Don’t forget to write your public officials! Shit, it’s your turn for the snack at the kids’ school and you forgot until 7 am the day of. And we can’t ignore what years of childbearing, your poor diet (You just don’t have time to prep healthy meals anymore!), or the trip to the gym that you’ve been meaning to get to for longer than you care to admit, have done to your body and confidence.
It’s no wonder you don’t have that headboard-banging, toe-curling sex you used to thrive on, right? You miss that sex that didn’t require an emotional and mental mind dump as you search for your most comfortably-sexy, he-will-just-be-happy-to-see-my-boobs underwear.
Let’s face it: that’s if there’s more effort than the accidental-cuddle-boner sex you occasionally get, it’s not happening. But guess what? You can still have that naughty romp that you’ve all but forgotten about, it just might take some deliberate thought and a little planning on your part. I know it’s more work, but trust me… the payoff is worth it!
So, here’s a few tips on getting it on when you’ve spent so long making life function that you have just given yourself a pass in the Freaky Department. Try a few, make them your own, but remember: you are absolutely breathtaking just the way you are. Seriously, when you stand in front of your partner wearing nothing but confidence, you will hear the breath leaving their mouth as their jaw drops to the floor.
Stand in front of the mirror. Now, pick 3 things you see in your reflection that you would compliment your best friend on and say them to yourself
1. Make sex a priority.
Write it in your planner, put a reminder in your phone, slap a Post-It on the bathroom mirror. Whatever you have to do, make sure you treat it as important as any other obligation that you wouldn’t skip. It’s vital to your relationship, and it’s a basic human desire. It’s OK to drop the kids with the sitter and then head back home for some fun.
2. Obsess over sex.
OK, so maybe “obsess” is the wrong word, but definitely think about it more. During the days, hours, even minutes leading up to it, reminisce about past sexploits; imagine your favorite racy scene from a movie or TV show; think of something your partner does or used to do during sex that turns you on. It’ll help you focus later, I promise. And the harder part (but hopefully not the hardest part, if you know what I mean 😉😉😉), talk about it. I know it’s uncomfortable, but only at first. You don’t have to go letting anybody but let your partner in on some of your thoughts. Foreplay isn’t just “back massages” and making out!
3. Let go of those damned expectations.
Sex is not always pretty. It’s messy, and sometimes noisy. It can be awkward and uncomfortable just before it becomes one of the best lays you’ve had. We’re shown skewed and manipulated versions of what sex should look like at certain stages of our lives in what we watch and read. But sex doesn’t have to be boring just because you’re married. And it doesn’t have to be naughty, blow-your-mind sex every time for it to be enjoyable either.
4. Love yourself.
Of course, you should appreciate all that your body has done–creating life, sustaining life–but stop pointing out the flaws you inherited in the process; stop focusing on them! They aren’t important! Shave your legs, brush your hair, put on a well-fitting bra, your sexiest panties and those stilettos you’ll never part with, and stand in front of the mirror. Now, pick 3 things you see in your reflection that you would compliment your best friend on and say them to yourself. You are a work of art, woman!
5. Have fun.
Best marriage advice I’ve been given: Foreplay starts in the morning and lasts all day. While it’s not realistic to constantly text and call to flirt with your partner every hour of the day, this reminder will inspire you to look for ways to spice things up outside of the bedroom. A steamy, mini make out sesh as you pass each other in the hallway, a note in your partner’s lunch saying, “Thanks for last night,” will keep that sexual spark alive. As for fun in the bedroom, try simple role play, test out a new position rule, or try playing little games.
6. Say YES more.
This is a hard one because sleep is the unicorn you don’t pass up the opportunity to ride once you have children.When faced with the option of ‘the work of sex’ or ‘the glory of sleep,’ sleep usually wins. But bumping uglies isn’t just for when the sun’s gone down, so hop in the shower together while Elmo entertains the kids. Just do the damn thing! You need it. Best marriage advice I’ve been given: Foreplay starts in the morning and lasts all day.
Best marriage advice I’ve been given: Foreplay starts in the morning and lasts all day.
7. Invest in some lube
Don’t feel ashamed. There is absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. Biology is not always kind to us women and sometimes, and using lube makes one less thing for you to worry over. Start simple with a water-based, unflavored type. A little goes a long way and it’s pretty foolproof. If you want to turn up the heat or step out of your comfort zone a little, there’s a huge variety from tingling to warming to flavored. Just remember to test a drop on your arm or stomach first to avoid a bad reaction on your lady bits later.
8. Post-coital fruit
Everyone has their own post-sex routine, but here’s a little secret to really put the cherry on top, so to say. Remember that fruit you picked up on your way home from dropping the kids off? Share a bowl of fruit together after your roll in the hay. Not only will it help replenish your lost calories but it will taste even sweeter. And the next time you sit down to snack on some strawberries, the flood of oxytocin will take you back to that moment when you felt sexy and confident and satisfied. Hey, honey…